Tuesday, June 2, 2009

2009 06 02. Tuesday.

2009 06 02. Tuesday.

Busted! I went to the boys computer room this afternoon. The yellow robed brahmachari who was there the first time I used it (and didn't say anything) asked me what I was doing. I said "just going to check my email." He said not to use these computers but to use the main internet room. The guy (Cameron) who told me I could use the boys computer room was right there and didn't tell the brahmachari that he (Cameron) was the one who told me I could use it. Would have been the right thing for him to do, IMHO. I sheepishly collected my bag and went out. Darn! It would have been real sweet to use the boys computer room but Amma had different plans. Oh, well. I went to the main computer room, paid my rupees, updated my blog and checked my email.

I was feeling guilty and off-center after being told to get out by the brahamachari and, at the same time, was telling myself that its totally natural for those feelings to arise. Its just the way I've been conditioned. That perspective added some nice spaciousness and inner relaxation around the guilty feelings. I've been practicing cultivating that perspective for a while now and it definitely helps. Difficult feelings will automatically arise in me in certain situations. Its just the way I've been programmed. Trying to fight those feelings is like arguing with the weather; it doesn't change anything and justs wastes my energy. Not fighting with my difficult feelings seems to really help change the underlying programming. I like to think of them as cultural malware rootkits insidiously installed into my kernel when I was just a kid. The goods news of Sanatana Dharma (aka Hinduism), Buddhism and similar spiritual paths is that the mind's programming is open source and user serviceable. All this meditation and spiritual practice is just learning how to hack my own kernel and micro-code. To me that's the most interesting game in town. In addition, getting connected with a guru like Amma is like allowing a master programmer to come in and do bug fixes that are beyond my ability.

My energy level is definitely better today. I think my body is just slowly again getting used to the food, climate and rhythm of ashram life. Feels good.

Once again I felt the clear urge to be out of my room and join the men's bhajans. They do the 1,000 Names of the Divine Mother (stotram version) from 6:15-6:40pm. I like the stotram version better than the verse version. It has a very nice flow. I've recited it many times so there are a few parts I know by heart. One of my core practices here is trying to recite the 1,000 Names stotram each day. It feels more powerful reciting it all together with the other men. Also each day I try to do the Mahay Shasura Mardini, Amma's 108 Names, my IAM practice, the Amma Arati (and, of course, recite my mantra as much as possible). If I can do all of those each day that'll feel like I'm at least doing the minimum.

Toward the end of the bhajans today my mind was getting foggy, but that often happens when I'm sitting in meditation posture for a long time. It was also pretty warm and that drained some energy. I do really miss meditating when its cool. Meditating under my ceiling fan feels pretty good. Maybe one day they'll turn on some fans during the bhajans. That would be great. Also help to blow away some of the mosquitoes.

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