Wednesday, June 10, 2009

2009 06 10. Wednesday.

2009 06 10. Wednesday.

This morning at the veggie chopping seva I was assigned to grate some cheese. The veggie chopping coordinator swiped a small piece of cheese as she was showing me how its done. Sinduran was also there so after a few minutes of grating I casually offered him a piece of cheese. He accepted it matter of factly and said "Thanks". That little gesture on my part helped to dissolve most of the annoyance I felt from yesterday when he asked Rudy and I to stop chanting. I thought of all the things I've said and done that annoyed people in my life and that helped me to let go of my annoyance with Sinduran. I thought to myself "He did the same thing I've done myself many times. He's just reflecting my own issues."

I got really angry this morning while we were pulling the cart of burnable trash to the furnace. Some trucks had been working in an area thats along the path where we pull the cart. This area was now deeply rutted and filled with mud. Vigrahan (a big young quiet French guy) was pushing the cart and I was pulling and steering. We were trying to pull it through the ruts and a young Indian kid jumped beside Vigrahan to help push. The front wheels got locked in the wrong direction and I called for them to stop so it wouldn't get stuck worse. They must not have heard me cause they kept right on pushing. I kept calling for them to stop and they just kept on pushing and getting it stuck worse. I got really frustrated and looked back at them and yelled "Don't you guys understand 'Stop!'!" The young Indian kid just smiled and Vigrahan looked surprised. Then we got the cart going in the right direction. A few minutes later I apologized to Vigrahan. He was very gracious and understanding. Turns out he's a social worker for the homeless in France. So perhaps he's trained in dealing with difficult people. That'll come in handy around me. We shared a little bit and I told him my bad habit of getting angry. He said "No problem, I get angry a lot also but I get angry at myself. I keep it inside which is not good." As we shared we both agreed that working on self-forgiveness is important. My outburst threw me off for the rest of the day. My anger is a deep vasana and the ashram here will bring it out. Amma says thats what an ashram is supposed to do; help us see our shadow sides so we can finally heal and integrate them. With Amma's help I'll try to dissolve that vasana. It runs deep. Working on the compost pile in the afternoon helped me feel better. Nothing like some real yucky smelly grimy sweaty hot seva to cleanse the mind and perhaps wipe out a little karma.

Now that I think about it, the Indian kid gave the perfect response to my egoic angry outburst. Maybe I could learn something from him.

With my buttons getting pushed and my vasanas coming up, now I know for sure I'm back in the ashram groove. Just like last time! And, in the grand scheme of things, its good. What I need.

At the bhajans this evening, I didn't notice that I set my mat down right on a line of ants. When I did notice it seemed that the ants weren't interested in getting into my bag or onto my mat, so I just stayed there. The ants just seemed to route around me no problem. These were some kind of gentle black ants. There are aggressive red fire ants all over the ashram that love to bite and sting. Gotta watch out carefully for them.

At the bhajans some of the Indians and westerners will sit themselves down right onto the stone floor with no mat or cushion and sit there the whole 1.5 hours of bhajans. Amazing! For the life of me I can't see how they do it. My butt and ankles would be screaming in pain after 10 minutes. Perhaps because I'm so skinny and have no padding. That combined with me being an overly sensitive wuss. I use a square flat foam pad for my legs and ankles and a nice small flat Thermarest air cushion for my seat. Feels great.

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